Saturday Silliness

I sent this to a friend a while back and she suggested I share it here.  Hope it makes you laugh. An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ... but all men...are men!

A Blip on the Horizon

Two days ago my "stuff" finally made it to Arizona. Actually it had been in storage until we decided what we were going to do.  Our decision to stay in places longer than we had anticipated meant either paying for storage in Florida or Arizona.  We chose Arizona.  My great friend graciously volunteered to rent us a storage unit and so the movers were alerted and our stuff was on its way.  Tuesday, it landed.  Now comes the fun.

 First call, the storage unit is far down the line and it is going to cost additional dollars to offload.

 Next call, something is broken but it looks as it it can be fixed (not sure what this was)

Third call, do we have a sofa and ottoman? (friend said I thought you didn't bring any furniture - I didn't)

Fourth call, did we have drapery rods? (I hate draperies and always have shutters, blinds anything but draperies ) Friend said didn't think so.

 Next call - all is unloaded but it is stacked four high.  The good news the item that was broken isn't ours.

Now the question is, is the rest of the "stuff" ours or someone else's.? The funny part is it's been soooo long since I packed some of this stuff I don't even know what is in the boxes anymore so if anyone else has my stuff I hope they enjoy it.  I probably won't know if I have their stuff for quite a while. Maybe they won't want it either.

Ain't life grand.  Have a great day and see you later.

TALES OF TEXAS

For those of you reading my blog you know I am in the very large state of Texas.  Everything is bigger here or so my brother keeps telling me.  We've been here 9 days today and it has been fun.  My brother is one of those people who just takes a big chunk of life every day.  He loves to have fun and wants to make sure everyone around him is doing the same.  He has about 5 acres (country in the middle of the city) and right now there are three large motor homes sitting in his driveway.  His, his BIL's and ours.  Today we are off to an adventure at a park to camp for three days.  There will be minimum of 13 people with drops in's along the way.  My hubby always calls our family outings a cluster f*** because they are always disorganized, everybody talking all at once and the loudest gets heard.  It's music to my ears.

This was the sunset we saw last night at our campsite on Lake Lewisville.  It was breathtaking.  Life is grand.

There hasn't been much alone time so no "spankin or dancin" going on.  At any moment a grand niece or nephew may pop in to see what is going on. Got my abbreviated Texas paddling the day we crossed into Texas before getting here because we knew what to expect.   Maybe an exit spanking will be forthcoming before we cross the state border.



Thirty two days on the road - gotta land soon.  That's all for now.

Hysterical

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. 

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendant

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the termina

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERN ATIONALLY - SOUTHWEST AIRLINES USED TO BE THIS WAY - HAVEN"T NOTICED IT LATELY.



Hope you laugh as much as I did.  What great humor.  


See You Later

Asked and Answered (maybe)

 I keep seeing that March is questions month.  Since March is already more than half over I figured I would step into the fray.  I can't imagine what kind of questions anyone would have for me but I would be happy to provide answers.  I have answers for everything mostly because I look them up on the internet.  A long time ago, my dad called me the family lawyer -  I always had something to say.  I think my husband would agree that I am never at a loss for words or answers even if and when he doesn't want to hear them.  Soooooooooooooooo fire away.

Tuesday Tickle

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained.. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared,and they went on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

 'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

 Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

 'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

Patrick's Lucky Day

.

Today was going to be his lucky day – he just knew it.  After all it was St. Patrick’s Day and he was named Patrick. He and his brothers, Jack and Bobby would be marching in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.  They were part of the family business.  That business happened to be policemen for the City of Chicago.  It was a long family tradition – both their father and grandfather had been policemen before them.

As he was putting on his uniform he thought about how proud he was of his family.  They were a large rowdy bunch and loved each other fiercely.  Along with Jack and Bobby, there were also three sisters, Maureen, Colleen and Katie. Their parents, John and Kathleen Cochrane, were hosting their usual St. Patrick’s Day party at their house after the parade.  He was the oldest and the only one not yet married with children.  The family never missed an opportunity to remind him he wasn’t getting any younger – today would be no exception.  He would be getting the jibes all day long.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t want to get married and settle down.  He had just not found anyone with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life.  He had a couple of long term relationships but they were just long enough for him to realize he didn’t want them to be around forever.

Maybe today the luck of the Irish along with some help from the leprechauns would yield him a sweet Irish lass.

              

After the parade everyone stopped by Flannagan’s for a beer.  He didn’t stay long because he wanted to stop by his house to take his dog Barney for a walk before he left for his parents.  He was just rounding the corner and Barney was doing his usual sniff every object possible when a little kitty went dashing in front of them.  Barney lunged forward and knocked him off balance and he found himself down on his kiester.  He was surprised when he heard giggling and then a quick apology for laughing.  He tried to get up with as much dignity as he could muster when he looked up and saw her.  Fireworks were going off everywhere.  She was about 5”4 with the bluest eyes he had ever seen, strawberry blond hair pulled back in a pony tail and he immediately knew this was his lucky day.  He introduced himself and told her he was usually not this awkward but Barney loved to chase anything that moved and the kitty was just too much temptation for him to overcome.  She laughed again and it was the sound of tinkling bells.  She introduced herself as Lauren and said she lived just around the corner.  She said she had often seen them going on their walk.  He asked her what she was doing for the rest of her life and she laughed again. 

“I don’t know about the rest of my life, but tonight I am going to a party with my co-worker” she said.

Patrick laughed and asked her for dinner on Saturday.  She agreed.  She knew he was a policeman and if she couldn’t be safe with a cop there was not much hope left in this world.  Lauren gave him her address and he said he would pick her up around 7:00.

They both went their respective ways.  Patrick couldn’t believe his luck but then today was his day, wasn’t it.

Lauren had often seen Patrick and Barney on their daily walks and thought he was a fine looking male specimen.  Six feet, two inches with shiny black hair and green eyes – she had tried accidently running into him often.  Today it finally worked.  She couldn’t wait until Saturday.

                         

The party was in full swing when he got to his parents.  There were kids running everywhere and everyone laughing and enjoying telling stories of past years escapades. The ladies were all milling around the kitchen tending to last minute food preparation and exchanging their own stories. It was always the same but it never failed to bring a smile to his face and joy to his heart.  He was glad to be part of this loud raucous family but also a little jealous because he sometimes felt the odd man out. 

Sometime later he looked up and saw Lauren and Kevin standing at the door next to his sister Katie.  Kevin had been a friend of Katie’s ever since college and was actually the godfather to Sean, Katie and Bills’ youngest son.  His heart sank.

He casually walked over and said hello to Lauren.  Katie and Kevin were surprised. 

“I didn’t know you two knew one another” Katie said.

“We just met this afternoon” said Lauren.

Kevin said he and Lauren worked together and she mentioned she had never been to a St. Paddy’s Day party before.  He told her he knew the perfect place to enjoy the best time ever. Based on Katie and Kevin’s reaction, Pat had the distinct impression this was a set up.  He would get Katie alone later and give her the biggest hug for interfering in his life.  

Lauren had been trying to meet Pat for a while and now they were thrown together twice in the same day.  Maybe some of that Irish Leprechaun magic was working. She could feel Pat’s reaction to her and knew that he was as interested in her as she in him.  Lauren loved how he interacted with his siblings and nieces and nephews.  He was both strong and gentle.  She felt he was someone who could give her what she craved in a relationship. 

Pat spent the rest of the evening glued to Lauren’s side.  She was cute and sassy.  He didn’t want to scare her off but he knew she was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. When she and Kevin left Pat thought there really was such a thing as love at first sight. Saturday couldn’t come soon enough.

Saturday at 6:55 Pat was as Lauren’s door.  She yelled to come on in she would be right down. He didn’t like her leaving the door unlocked and made a mental note to discuss it with her.  When she came downstairs, he was dumbstruck again.  She had on a black mini with a low slung silver belt, black knee high boots, her hair over to one side. She looked gorgeous and all thoughts of lecturing her about the unlocked door had flown out the window.

They got in the car and Pat reminded her to buckle up.  She said she never used the seat belt and had actually disconnected the buzzer in her car.  Being a policeman, he couldn’t let that go. “When you are riding in a car, a seat belt is a must.  It is the law and you can get ticketed. But most importantly it can save your life. Now please put on your seat belt.” She did so reluctantly.

They drove to the restaurant and had a wonderful dinner.  Conversation revolved around what a wonderful family he had and how much fun she had at the party. When they got back in the car to drive home, Lauren did not fasten her seatbelt. Pat reminded her again and told her the third time he would make sure he would never have to remind her again.

“What are you going to do, spank me?”

“As a matter of fact, yes I will.

“If you think you are man enough to spank me, you’re welcome to try” she teased.

“Oh, I am man enough.  Just let me catch you not wearing your seatbelt again and you will find yourself over my knee.”

“I think I would like that” she replied.

 Lauren was excited.  She had always had a secret desire to meet a man who believed in spanking.  She mentioned it to a boyfriend once and he said he didn’t go in for kink.  After that, she squelched her desires but they never went away.  Here was a man who obviously didn’t feel that way. She couldn’t wait to test the waters. 

They made a date for the following weekend. When Pat picked her up,  the door was unlocked and she yelled for him to come in.  The minute she came downstairs he told her it was very unsafe to leave her door unlocked.  She asked him if she continued to do so would that be another spanking offense.

“Absolutely”

“I will have to make a note of all the things I do that deserve a spanking” Lauren replied sassily.

On their way back home after the date, Lauren did not buckle her seat belt.  Pat didn’t say a word just reached over and buckled her in. They pulled up to her house and he walked her to the door.  Once inside he held her in his arms and kissed her.  Lauren was disappointed.  She deliberately had not fastened her seat belt.  Now here he was hugging and kissing her.  What a disappointment. He kissed her again and then led her over to the sofa.  Then he began his lecture.  He told her what she could expect if he ever caught her not using her seat belt again.  She didn’t want to make this too easy on him though.

“Don’t go getting all policemen on me. I don’t need protection. I’m an adult and I can take care of myself” Lauren said haughtily.

“I’m sure you can, said Pat.  I am sorry if you are offended but it comes naturally.  I’m the oldest in my family and I have been looking after my siblings long before I became a policeman.  As for being an adult, you haven’t been acting responsibly.  Leaving doors unlocked and not using seatbelts is not responsible behavior.”

With that, he took her over his knee and began to spank her.  The spanks came hard and fast and in no time Lauren began to wiggle around.  She was kicking up her legs and almost kicked him.  He pinioned her legs under his and began another assault on her bottom.  When she finally settled down he let up and asked her if she had enough. She nodded her assent and he helped her up and held her on his lap.

“You are going to wear your seat belt from now on, right?” asked Pat

“Yes”

“You are going to lock your doors when you are home alone, right” he asked again.

“Yes”

“Okay.  I hope so because otherwise you will find yourself back over my knee”

Lauren smiled to herself and thought yes I will make sure to find myself over your knee many a time, my big Irish lad. 

Pat whistled his way to his car and patted the lucky four leaf clover he kept in his pocket.


  

All Good Things Must End (unfortunately)

Today's the last day of our stay here in Arkansas.  It has been a great visit with my sister and her family. My niece and nephews and their kids are terrific.  We have had a lot of fun catching up.  I mentioned in an earlier post that the RV park is so beautiful and peaceful.  I commented to hubby last night that I cold live here.  I'm sure it is not as serene on weekends and during the summer but right now it is like our own little piece of lakefront property.  On my walk this morning I snapped this picture from across the lake.  It's not the best because I only used my cell phone but you still can see our "lakefront home" in the background.  Most of the trees have bloomed out during our stay and there's a carpet of dainty white flowers blanketing the ground.  Wish I could have captured that but cell phone cameras only show so much.

 Had my Arkansas spanking today. We looked for a switch (my idea - I know I'm nuts) on our walk but nothing lasted more than one swipe.  The doggin bat was dragged out of its resting place. He gave me a few swats yesterday with the red paddle but my niece texted she was dropping by so we stopped.. There was no one around today and just as it was getting real,  my brother in law came tooling up in his "T bucket Hot Rod" that he built.  Thirty seconds sooner and we would have been caught red handed or in my case, red cheeked.  We didn't get to dance our dance so I think I have a "date nite" to look forward to after we come back from dinner.

Went tooling around in that T Bucket - what great fun.  Was a perfect day for riding around.

Well, enough aimless ramblings for now.   See you later.

And the............Continues

We have been here since Saturday.  Each place we stay seems to be better than the last.  Our RV is parked at the end of a finger into the lake so we are surrounded by water on three sides.  It is really beautiful and so very peaceful.  We had our first visitors this evening.  My sister and husband came for dinner.  Dinner in an RV is an experience.  Space is at a premium so I cooked everything earlier and then just had to warm up when they arrived. My sister and I are getting along pretty well.  I think we did the right thing by not staying at their house.  That might have been just too much togetherness for us.

We're heading to the Big D next.  Brother lives there and we will probably be there for a bit.  Our original plan was to head to our final destination  from Texas - but change is in the air.  I might be flying to CA from TX with hubby coming later in the RV. Our daughter and her husband have to take a trip and don't want to take the boys out of school so I will be taking care of them and then go out to PS with them and meet up with hubby.  After CA we will head back to AZ to become residents of that state, I think.

Considering the tight quarters and all that togetherness (1400 miles and 4 weeks on the road) we are getting along better than ever and having a blast.(whoda thunk)   It is great not having any time constraints and just the usual day to day annoyances that crop up.

My hubby's new thing is to get in as many swats as possible while we are out in public.  Just knowing there isn't anyone we are ever going to see again makes him "slap happy". Another new thing is gas stations are our new best friends.  They are so very happy to see us drop by.  As the tank gets filled the checkbook gets depleted but our traveling road show keeps on truckin'.

Just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  I happened to catch the Today show one day while they were doing a piece on the book.  Florida Dom mentioned it on his site also a few days ago. Ordered the Kindle version from Amazon and oooooooooooohhh  has it kept me tuned in and turned on. Hubby and I are both reaping the benefits - an "educational" read.

That's it for now.  See You Later.

PARAPROSDOKIAN

 is a phrase or sentence that leads us down the garden path to an unexpected view~

(eg:: "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian -- Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11.I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Something to think about this rainy Sunday.  See you later.

Memphis Beat

The drive to Memphis was a rough one.  Lots of road rotomilling and wind made for a rough ride.  We spent the day at Graceland on Wednesday.  We were/are Elvis fans and so it was like a trip down memory lane for us.  We were lucky enough to see him in concert twice.  I don't think we even comprehended how many gold records he accrued during his lifetime. One of the features was a  photo shop opportunity where you could insert yourself  with Elvis.  Unfortunately, they didn't have the shot from Blue Hawaii where he was spanking the girl.  (Stormy recently had the photo on her blog)  I might have been tempted to  post that picture here for posterity.

Yesterday it did nothing but rain rain rain all day.  We holed up in the motor home after we got back from lunch.  We extended our stay for another day because we still want to hit the blues clubs on Beale Street at night.  We might be bundled up tonight because it's cold here but it is better than umbrellas.

Looking forward to the music.  Haven't had my Tennessee spanking yet.  Guess it will have to be today or early tomorrow.

Our journey continues tomorrow.  See you later.

Burke

Betty Burke was a middle-aged woman who had a mind of her own.  She married Bill Burke when she was twenty-five.  He was a no-good bum as far as she was concerned – he could never hold a job for more than six months at a time; he drank too much and gambled away whatever little money he did make.  She had wasted enough of her life with him, hoping things would change.

The day she left him she was unloading groceries when he came home and announced he had quit his job.  Right then and there she decided she was leaving the very next-day  – he had enough to eat for the next week, and the rent was paid til the end of the month, after that  he was on his own. That following morning, she packed her bag and left him a note on the kitchen table.  She got in her car on which she was still making payments, went to the bank, closed her account and drove out of town.  

No idea where she was going, Betty drove until she was tired and stopped in Springtown for gas and a bite to eat.  The café had a sign in the window for a waitress – she applied and was hired on the spot.  The gal who served her told her about Miss Lil who had a boarding house if she was interested.  She was interested all right, and after leaving the Westin Café drove to Miss Lil’s boarding house located at the end of Main Street. It was a large white Victorian, with rocking chairs on the porch and ferns hung from the rafters.  Betty pictured Miss Lil to be a little old white-haired lady who rented to boarders to subsidize her income.  Boy, was she wrong.  Miss Lil was a good fifteen years younger than her, and a widow whose husband left her the house.  It had belonged to his grandparents and their parents before then.  Some say it was haunted – but if it was, no one knew for sure, least of all Miss Lil.  Betty didn’t care one way or the other.

There were no other residents at the time, so Miss Lil rented Betty the best room in the house, after hers of course.  It was on the second floor, a large bright room with an en suite and a balcony.  The room was furnished with females in mind.  There was a large bed covered in a pale yellow coverlet with dainty white flowers along with a comfortable boudoir chair and ottoman, slip covered in ecru, as well as a small desk and chair.  The closet had built in shelves on one side and a hanging bar on the other. Betty loved it and felt she could be very comfortable. 

Miss Lil, who immediately became Lil, was a hoot.  Everyone knew her, and she was involved in every event held in Springtown, and the rest of the county for that matter.  She dragged Betty along whenever she wasn’t working and soon Betty felt as if she knew everyone in Springtown and had lived there forever. 

Lil put her in touch with Jim Branson, the local attorney to arrange the divorce from Bill. Jim Branson was a looker, a widower with grown children and once the business with Betty and Bill’s divorce concluded; he asked her to dinner.  He was a charming man, polite manners, great conversationalist, took her to the nicest places, and she enjoyed his company.  He chastely kissed her goodnight after each of their dates and after about the fifth date, she wondered if he was ever to take it any further.  When she received another chaste kiss, she tried taking the kiss to another level.  He pulled back and Betty was surprised.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“On the contrary,  Betty, I like you and enjoy being with you.”

“Then, what just happened?”

“There’s something about me that you don’t know, and that you need to know if you want to take this further.”

“You’re in good standing with the ABA, so you can’t be a criminal, everyone knows you’re a widower, there’s no gossip about you, so unless it’s a medical condition, I can’t imagine what I need to know.”  He laughed

“No, Betty it’s not a medical condition, and you need to know because you have to consent to be a willing participant.”

“Now my curiosity is peaked.”

“I’m an attorney and well known member of this community, what I have to tell you could jeopardize my standing if it becomes public knowledge.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“I don’t mean to, but I have to be very careful.  Can I trust you to keep my secret whether or not you choose to accept?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” she said with a grin and crossed her heart.

“Do you know what a Dom is?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Dominant derives from the Latin word dominus which means “lord or master.”  If you’re dominant, it means you treat others as if you’re their master. Dom is just a shorter version of a dominant. Now do you know what I mean?”

“It means you’re a control freak.”

“In a way, but it’s more than that.  I’m sure you’ve noticed I can be very brusque – it’s something I have to work at in my professional life, so I don’t offend clients.  I just like to get to the point, and I’m hem hawing around this.  The bottom line is I belong to and play at a private club, a BDSM club.

“B and D, bondage and discipline?”

“Yes.”

“Men like you making slaves of women?”

“Not always, sometimes it is the female who is the dominant.”  By this time in the conversation, Betty was in complete shock but still wanted to hear more.  “It’s all consensual.  I don’t go all the time, but it is an outlet for me.  When my wife was alive it was different, we played together.”

“Played – you played with your wife.”

“Yes, we learned very early on in our relationship; she was a submissive.  Domination doesn’t have to be a twenty-four seven thing.  For us it was sexual fun. We didn’t go into it as deeply as some, but we played with cuffs and ropes, as well as floggers and paddles.  It’s the same with other women.  Many fantasize about having a man take charge in the bedroom, and if she doesn’t find a partner to dance with, so to speak, she can join the club, and her fantasies become a reality.”

“Do you want to take me to this club?”

“If you want to, I can take you as my guest but there are rules and papers you have to sign first.  However, what I’m really telling you is that I would like to play with you, not necessarily at the club but at home.  Do you think you would be interested in this type of lifestyle – not all the time, mind you, but in the bedroom?  It doesn’t have to be every time but would once in a while appeal to you?”

“Wow, Jim, this is a lot to take in.  To say I’m surprised is an understatement, and I’m not saying no but I do have to think about it.  I really doubt I would ever want to visit the club, but never say never.”  He tucked a strand of her behind her ear, his fingers leaving a  behind a tingle.

“When you think you’re ready we can talk about this some more, but basically it comes down to I would love to have sex with you, I just don’t want it to always be vanilla.”

“Vanilla.”

He laughed.  “Yeah, it’s a term we use for people who don' have alternative sex."

This time when he reached in to kiss her, he took a nip at her lip. When she opened her mouth, he pushed his tongue into her mouth.  She immediately responded to this invasion and felt an effect she never expected – Jim felt it too.  Cupping her bottom, he brought her in closer until she could feel his erection.  He released her, and his smile told her he was hoping her answer would be yes to a future relationship.

He turned and left her then, calling out he would be waiting for her answer.  He was leaving the ball in her court.

A couple of days later, after thinking it to death, she called Jim.  “Okay, I’m willing to give it a try.”  He invited her to dinner at his place the following Friday night. 

                                          *****************

She was nervous as she rang Jim’s doorbell.  “Door’s open, c’mon in,” she heard from somewhere in the house.  He was walking toward the door, dressed in khakis and an olive-drab long-sleeve shirt rolled up at the elbows, loafers and no socks. He looked sexy as hell, and she recognized what had attracted her in the first place – he could call it dominance she called it confidence.  He was a man who was comfortable in his own skin and didn’t rely on someone else’s approval of him.  He enveloped her in his arms.

“I was pleased to get your call.”  He could feel her tenseness.  “Relax, I’m not going to eat you alive.  We’ll take this one step at a time, and I assure you; you are going to be begging for more.  First, we’re going to have some wine and then dinner.”

 The wine at dinner went a long way toward relaxing Betty.  When they retired to the living room, he sat down on the couch and patted the spot next to him, Betty was nervous but accepted the invitation to sit.  He took her hand in his and brought it to his lips – his lips were so soft; she turned to him and kissed his full lips, taking a nip the way he had done to her on their previous date. 

“Mischievous little one, you’re not supposed to be taking the lead; that's my job. Naughty girls get spanked.”  She nipped his lip again, a little harder this time.  He pulled her across his lap, lifted her dress and spied the lacy black thongs.  “Did you buy these just for my enjoyment, you bad girl?  If so, it would be unappreciative of me to remove them so quickly. I’m going to just admire them and the bottom they’re covering for a minute or two.”  His hand was caressing her bottom the whole time he spoke, when he finished he raised his hand and brought it down firmly in the middle of her cheeks – Betty jumped, not from the pain but from the sound of the strike as it echoed in the room. Before she had time to process, his hand struck again, this time on her right cheek and quickly on her left cheek.  After ten smacks, he removed those lacy thongs and dipped his fingers into the proof of her arousal and pleasure.  “Shall I continue?” he asked.

He heard a low mewling sound and chuckled to himself.  “I guess the answer is yes,” she made a slight move to nod her head.  He spanked twice more and then kneaded those pink cheeks before moving on to other things.  Somehow, during the lovemaking that followed they ended up on the floor.  When they went to rise, they both laughed because they had to hold onto the sofa to help them up.

“You think maybe next time we should try the bed instead?” Betty asked and they both laughed. 

“I think you may have a point?  Beside the bed, what else might you want to do the next time?”

Blushing she answered that she loved all of it.  “Even the spanking?”

“Even the spanking, I would have never guessed getting your bottom toasted could be so damn sexy and hot.”  He laughed at her remark before asking if she would be willing to try it again along with some other things.

“Yes, yes, yes.”

“How about you and I make a date to go on a little shopping expedition?  There are so many things I would like to introduce you to.”

“I’d like that.  I imagine you’re going to teach this old middle- aged woman a lot of new tricks.”

“First off, you are by no means old and second, I’m going to love teaching you how to experience things that take you beyond your current comfort level,” he told her with a lascivious grin on his face.

“Do you want to spend the night or go back to Miss Lil’s?”

“If I don’t go back, Lil will be on me like white on rice in the morning. Besides, this is a small town with lots of gossip.  After all, you have your professional reputation to protect, isn’t that what you told me?   I think it’s best I go home tonight.”

“Hoisted by my own petard.”   They kissed goodnight and she drove away.

                                           *************************

The following week Jim and Betty visited the shopping mall in the closest big city.  After lunch at an outdoor bistro, Jim walked Betty into Leather and Lace – a store that sold vanilla and alternative specialty sex items.  Betty’s eyes were as wide as saucers when she walked into the store.  She was blushing from head to toe and Jim assured her that no one in that store or any of the other customers cared what they were looking at or buying – “after all,” he said “they’re here too.”  That put Betty somewhat at ease as Jim directed her toward the sex toys.  The display was dazzling – butt plugs, benwa balls, lubes of every flavor and sort, nipple and clitoral clamps – all things new to Betty.  Her trusty vibrator was her only toy and even that was child’s play compared to the ones that were on display at Leather and Lace. 

“What items call out to you Betty?”  Jim asked.  Betty looked at him as if he had two heads.

“Why don’t you tell me what you think we would both enjoy?”

“For starters, have you ever experienced anal sex?”  Betty blushed again.

“No.” she managed to stammer out.

“Are you averse to trying it?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

“I’m told it’s quite pleasurable once you get past the initial squeamishness and pain of it. I would imagine the first time is comparable to the first time you had intercourse.”

Betty had never had conversations of this sort with someone of the opposite sex.  She couldn’t believe how casual Jim discussed these topics – she didn’t consider herself prudish but he was far and above more aware and open about these topics.

“If I don’t like it, we can stop.”

“That goes without saying – we can stop at anytime with anything we try if you’re not receiving pleasure.  That’s what this is all about Betty – pleasure – yours and mine.”

“Then I’ll let you decide.”

Jim picked up a small glass butt plug, lube, ben wa balls, hand and wrist cuffs, before they walked to the other end of the store where the floggers, belts, paddles and straps were kept.

“Want to try any of these?” he asked.

“Once again, I’ll let you decide as long as I get to say ‘stop’ or ‘no.’”

This time he picked up a suede flogger, and a leather paddle.  “I think we’ll start with these and then we can pick up other items if and when we want them.  Okay with you.”

“As I said, I’m letting you be the leader.”

“I like the sound of that.” 

“Yeah, but don’t let it go to your head,” She joked. 

“Now for the lace portion of the shop,” Jim said as he walked Betty over to the apparel side of the store.  He picked out a corset, bra and thongs, alone with fishnet hose and a garter belt.

“Take these in and try them on.  I want to see how they fit and look.”  Betty took them into the dressing room but wasn’t sure how she was going to find the courage to step out of the dressing room to model them for Jim.  After she had been in the room an inordinate length of time, the sales girl asked if she was having trouble.  Betty answered no and figured she had stalled long enough.  When she started to step out of the dressing room, she saw Jim sitting in a chair just outside the door.  She merely had to stay in the confines of the dressing room and he could see her.  She pirouetted so he saw all angles and when she saw him smiling she lost part of her embarrassment. “I think they will do nicely – how do you feel about them?” he asked. 

“Okay, I guess.  It’s you that has to like them, isn’t it?”

“And I do,” he laughed as he said those words, “but I want you to feel sexy in them.”

“I do,” and they both laughed at the spoken words.         

“I think we’re done here unless there’s something else you would like to try.”

“No, I think I’m good.”

Jim purchased the items.  They stopped for a glass of wine before they headed home.

“I’d like to try some of our purchases tonight?  How do you feel about that Betty?”

“Okay,” she answered meekly. 

“Do you want to stop for dinner before or have dinner after we try our new toys.  If we stop home first, we could try out the ben wa balls and then go to dinner.”

Having no idea what the ben wa balls were, she said that would be fine with her.  Jim smiled and thought have how much fun he was having and hoped that she would enjoy the experience too.

Arriving home, he prepared the ben wa balls, while Betty unpacked the rest of the items.

“Do you want to slip into your corset or save that for another time?” 

“I think I’d like to save it.”

“Then why don’t you go to the bedroom, undress and wait for me.  I’ll be there pronto.”

Betty was a little anxious at how excited Jim was acting.  He entered the room carrying the suede flogger and the little balls.  He gave her the balls to hold so she had an idea of their weight.

“Lie face down on the bed Betty,”

“Is this going to hurt?”

“Only if you want it too.”  He watched her body relax and gently trailed the suede flogger across her back, bottom and legs several times.  He told her to spread her legs so he could reach her inner thighs.  She did so and he heard her pleasured moans as the flogger slid up and down her body and occasionally tease her pleasure center.  He could see the moisture gathered there and rolled her over so he could continue using the flogger to increase her arousal.  He circled her breasts and down her torso and around her mons as she moaned with pleasure.  He stopped and rolled her over again – after a few sharp spanks to her behind, he fingered her to orgasm.

“Time for the balls, Betty.” He held them out to her with instructions to take them in her mouth.  She looks at him strangely.  “You’ll be warming them up and lubricating them at the same time.” 

“Oh,” and she opened her mouth.  The balls felt strange in her mouth but her saliva cooperated and started pooling around the objects. “Lay down on the bed, face front, and raise your legs high in the air.” Jim removed them from her mouth and slowly pushed them into her vagina, one by one.  She sensed them but it wasn’t until she stood and experienced the weight of them as they bottomed out  that she can really felt them.

“Okay?” Jim asked.

“I think so.”

“Walk a little bit and let me know what you think.”  Betty walked to the bathroom and  found the sensations  titillating. So that’s what these are for, she said to herself.

“What do you think?”

“I think I could get used to this.”  His smile is from ear to ear.

“Get dressed and let’s go to dinner, if they feel uncomfortable, you can remove them but I hope you will allow me the pleasure of doing that when we get back home.”  Betty shivered, thinking about those shiny metal objects doing delicious things to her vagina.

By the time, they returned from dinner, Betty was squirming like a little girl having to relieve herself. No words between them, Jim took her to the bedroom, sat down on the bed and pulled her across his lap.  He pushed up her dress and caressed her bottom, running his had smoothly over her silky panties, circling her ample globes and driving her to distraction.  She found herself  pushing up into his hand and grinding her pelvis into his knee.  “Are you being naughty again, girl?  Do you need a spanking to remind you to behave?  I think you do.”  She felt the sting of his hand as it came down hard on her backside.  He spanked, then caressed and kneaded her backside, each motion causing the balls to rub against her insides, raising her arousal. He fueled her fire by spanking, kneading and massaging her backside over and over again until he declared her bottom to be the perfect shade of pink.  He rolled her onto her back, slid down her panties and yanked out the balls with one pull.  She almost climaxed then.  As she watched in eager anticipation, he slowly removed his clothes and sheathed himself.  He pulled her down toward the end of the bed and told her to raise her legs and rest them on this shoulder. He adjusted himself and plunged his rock hard shaft into her waiting wetness.  She sighed and his first thrust brought her to her first climax.  As he continued his thrusts, she could feel herself rising again and when he released his sperm, she came right along with him.  After a few moments, he rolled off and onto his side. 

“So what did you think?”  All she could manage was a huge smile.  He kissed her and as he rose from the bed heading to the bathroom.  “I think that concludes the lesson for tonight, don’t you?”

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

A friend sent me this, so I wanted to share.

1. Try everything twice. You may love it more the second time around

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...
Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
Spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6.. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
To a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

12. Get all the spankings and sex  you can handle. 

13.  But most important of all, Keep thinking young no matter how old you are.